Finding ME

I am lost. Well only partially. I have given the past 4 years up completely to motherhood. This includes "mind, body, and soul". I know this is a topic that has been addressed by many mothers.

Here's my story:

I have worked in a traditional job, with a standard style paycheck since 15. Before that I had steady babysitting jobs since 11. When we made the decision for me to stay home, we were fully aware of the sacrificies financially. I was so excited to be home. I was teaching, in my 6th year. I did enjoy it mostly-as many do with their jobs. I had worked hard to become a teacher and the challenges were intriguing. I am not a good workhorse however, so I was constantly buried beneath piles of homework to grade, memos in my boxes, plans to create. It did get tedious. Besides that, the politics of teaching in California, with No Child Left Behind left little to love about the job. I was entirely ready to join the stroller pushing, diaper changing force of mommies who grocery shopped on a weekday morning, who had playdates, who could stay home in jammies all day. I never considered that I would be so consumed that I would be begging for a bathroom break without a baby clinging to my knees. I never imagined my brain would seem to turn to mush for lack of adult interaction. I never believed I would actually want to discuss politics or finances or current events just to feel like I was still functional.

Don't get me wrong...I love my babies. I love being a mom. We had to work hard (no dirty minds....think infertility treatments) to become pregnant with E. I am thrilled to see their developing selves (literally by the minute). I just am ready to bring ME back to the world. I am fully aware that it will be a lot longer until I will have more time for ME. I am good with that. (Knowing that each little piece of raising children is so short in the big picture helps--My mantra being "this is only for a little bit---enjoy it while it lasts---").

Since I have weaned, B is moving along quite quickily in her quest to be like her big sister. I get litle glimpses of how life will be in the next few days, months or even years. The girls play more--and fight more--, they are eating the same things, 1 is potty trained, the other is fully mobile on her own. I can start to feel ME coming out again. I am paying a very close attention to my diet and my weight. I am not super overweight, but I can definitely stand to drop a few (say 20) lbs. It's all babyweight. I am putting more effort out to exercise. I also have been working with my Mommy Friends in planning some Toddler Learning Activities. This is good because I can use my background and create some meaningful interactions for Mommy and Child that have an educational basis. A good challenge. I have been cleaning out a lot of JUNK that has been cluttering our home for at the least 3 years. It feels good. Cathartic to clean. Doesn't mean my house is sparkling, just getting tidier.

Anyway, I thought I would put this out there-I am sure there are people with similar issues. I would love to hear any thoughts, ideas, suggestions, commiserations...(remember though, to comment you have to read the blog article by clicking the title and then the comment sections are made available.)