UGH!

Potential Titles that were considered for this post:

1. Highs and Lows
2. Frusterations
3. Ponderings
4. Bummed
5. Hormonal Crap vs Sleep Deprivation
6. Dog Farts
7. Feeling Crazy
8. Dissatisfaction

I guess those are all for now. I can elaborate, and I will. I just am having a lot going on. So many new starts and seemingly endings.

**I know I am at hormonal funky place now. I can feel the pull of the candy bar and the attempts at Mz. Snappy Bitch trying to bust out. I also know that I have many emotions and ponderings that have resulted from my Grandma's fall and subsequent hospitalization. I have been tossing around heavy thoughts about the will to live versus actual vitals (being that Grammy is alive, all functions besides kidney are hers...however the light is just not there....and the mind is just not as quick). Horrible bleak black thoughts that weigh heavy.

** I am exhausted from re-training (aka CRY/SCREAM IT OUT from the crib not 10 feet away from me) the Bri who became spoiled while being sick. Wants back in on the parents' bed action. It makes it harder to cope with the other crap.

**Elly starts school tomorrow. While I am excited, I am sad, and questioning. Is it too soon...Will she adjust well....I can't believe I am sending her off to school already. It is a wonderful program and should prove to be beneficial for her.

**Opportunities are just a little bit out of reach. For instance, I was in a community resource center this afternoon obtaining sample contracts to prepare for watching a friend's little girl ina few weeks. The employee was outlining various jobs within the State and County Education levels. They are EXACTLY what I have been considering instead of going back to the classroom at some point. The hold-up, we are committed to me being home until Bri Bri is in school. I was so exciting talking to her. I felt valued as a proffesional, as an adult, as a potential earner (again!). We really can use a real 2nd salary. We are staying out of the water, but it's hard. Most days I am ok with the budgeting and the Target level shopping. I would love a little wiggle room to splurge here and there, to not be so practical. SIGH....it is not for now.

Of course, I am trying hard to get back on the wagon for my diet and exercise. All of this low energy and dark moods make me want to run fo the nearest carton of deeply sinful ice cream and the largest bag of processed cookies (Mint Milanos sound pretty awesome right now....). Today, I had 1.5 scrambled eggs for breakfast alongside my coffee (E demanded a few bites), a double caramel non fat mocha at dance class, 1/2 a madeliene cookie, a few pieces of sugarfree gum, a most wonderful chicken, cheddar and chipotle (PLEASE ask me all about this as it is one fo Jose's new flavors!!!!!) sauce wrap, a few pieces of See's candy, a big glass of water and a bowl of Life cereal. I think I did ok. It was much better than the past days. So at least something went well....

I am not even sure how much of my rambling is logical or clear. It does help to think it through and attempt to explain it all. I should probably finish up-although I feel like I could keep on flowing malcontents. Most likely I should shut the laptop down, and go to bed. I am certain that sleep would resolve much of my funk.

So trusty follower, I leave you to absorb my ponderings. Tomorrow's topic will be BACK TO SCHOOL!