Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Learning To Let Go

Have you noticed yet that I am a control freak? This is in stark contrast to my procrastinating and not so tidy household...but, in all other parts of my world I have high expectations of order and control. HA!

When I was teaching, I wrote plans. Plans that told me what to teach and when. They had reason, and if those failed, I had contingency plans. Back up plans to follow plans. All of this would ideally lead to order and control and peace on earth.

Being a parent has given me a venue for my controlling needs....Now, I have 2 little people that are supposed to march and sing and dance within my realm of order. (Don't be thinking I am a Tyrant...not so) To be honest, all the little needs and routines fit right into my idiosyncrasies. Maybe a little too much. I like seeing a formula and then adopting it. So when the experts said to feed the baby ever 2 hours, feed I did. When they said that naps should happen every 2 hours, I napped the baby. When they said bedtime should have a bath, and and music and a story, and happen the same nightly, I made that happen. You see? Just tell me what should be and I will make it happen-perhaps in my own fashion, but happen it will.

This is mostly a good thing. But gone are the days of random spontaneity. We used to pick up and go. Me with my backpack of reading and snacks and various happy day things. Jose with a tackle box. Driving aimlessly we would explore and have a day. Stopping wherever for some sort of food and treats, there were no rules. It was fun.

Having kids made this sort of disappear...If a day of meandering was to happen, there needed to be some planning and organizing. Food, clothes, entertainment all multiplied by 4 or 5 to solve all possible urgencies. By the time we packed, it was hours into the morning and mountains of C-R-A-P at the door of the car. At the end of the day someone was unhappy and the next day would be horrible because of the fallout. It wasn't worth it. I would rather stay home and keep things even keeled and normal.

Life is changing though. My girls are older. They make clothes less messy. The entertain differently. They can eat so many different things (and I can let them enjoy an extra cookie instead of worrying about the nutritional intake). I like it. Truly I do not enjoy OVER thinking things. It's a compulsion.

In that past 2 weeks we have gotten out for a few drives. It's fun showing our world to the girls. It's nice re-connecting with Jose while we drive and explore. We can dream and create ideas of what our future could be like. There is more flexibility and everyone can cope a little bit better. I am finding that it s hard to re-wire myself, but when I do, it's very worth it!

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